Reading on, you will find a quick-look reference guide to supporting your child’s behavior and saving your sanity! Needed? If the last few conversations I have had with mothers is any indication, then yes it is!
- Do you feel as though you don’t have any answers for your child’s behavior?
- Do you find yourself feeling sad, disappointed and hopeless?
- Does the future cause you worry rather than joy?
- Are you sick of repeating the same instructions day after day after day?
- Does your child appear amused or despondent when disciplined?
I have taken the time to provide this brief guide to let you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! These are the feelings of many mothers. Mothering can be isolating, lonely, repetitive and unfulfilling. I know you love your children and would do anything for them. I appreciate they are your world. You can believe these and still have feelings of loss, resentfulness or just plain sadness. But now what? You still have to parent …. EVERY DAY! What an honor, but what a challenge too.
Below I present 4 STRATEGIES YOU CAN BEGIN TODAY. While this guide is a scratch on the surface of the coaching world I love and see great value in, I believe we must all start somewhere. Mothers are time poor at the best of times, so the idea that you would be able to commit days, months or years to studying these principles is not likely. In addition, you want answers now! Hence my summary.
I trust you will find clarity and value in these processes, or at the very least, an opportunity to begin to challenge your thinking. I share one of my favorite quotes by Carl Rogers:
“The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”
When faced with challenging behaviors, follow these 4 strategies, both with a long term view and for application in the here and now.
- KNOW YOUR INTENTION – this is my mantra to mums and the basis for ALL PARENTING. If you do not know what is important to you, or what you are working towards, what are you basing your rules on? Someone else’s ideas? Society’s expectation? The way it has ‘always been done?’ Well, guess what? These are your children, this is your parenting experience and your life memories you are making, so the intention for your child needs to come from your heart space. “How do I know what my intention is?” you may query. In a nutshell, try these suggestions:
- what skills, qualities, experiences or memories do you wish for your child to have as they grow?
- how do want to be remembered? What emotions do you hope your child feels when they look back on their childhood as an adult?
- what pushes your buttons in society? This question assists you to look at your values. Maybe rudeness, lateness, answering back, feeling stifled or bored, being too busy or ignorance pushes your buttons. If so, this could indicate you value respect, fun and variety, or knowledge and education for example.
- What do you spend your time, money and energy on? Again, these could indicate things of value to you. The depth of eliciting values is a whole training in itself, but I hope you feel a little more clarity about what is important to you as this is the first step in determining what your rules or expectations are for your child.
2. PICK YOUR BATTLES – I know this is no surprise to you, but mothering is exhausting! Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. You have heard the phrase, ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’. Mothering is possibly the only role which requires this to happen from one moment to the next, and mothers do it. They step up, soldier on, and never quit. There is no real alternative, is there? Mothers tend to squeeze every last drop out of their cup, and then find another supply to tap into! With this in mind, what are the options for mothers? If you’re fortunate enough to jet off for solitary holidays in the Bahamas every other month, good for you! For the remainder of us, our only option is to prioritize our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health the best we can. Yes, by eating well, getting fresh air and exercise, and PICKING OUR BATTLES. No mother has the capacity to follow through with every childhood tantrum or challenge. I suggest using your newly found values and intentions, setting your non-negotiable rules and sticking to them. Feelings of safety, certainty, trust and predictability are paramount to children having a strong sense of self. To feel confident in their environment and in the world. For those of you who may feel ‘guilty’ when placing rules or restrictions on your child’s actions, research the benefits of predictability for children to ease your mind.
3. CONTROL YOUR FOCUS – easier said than done I know, but important enough to commit to every day. Are you pre-empting negative behavior from your child? Are you still thinking about the behavior from two hours ago that upset you? We are adults and it is our response-ability to manage our thought processes. We have quite high expectations for children, particularly with regard to emotional regulation. I think it’s only fair we raise expectations for ourselves too. Strengthen your neural pathways to thoughts of gratitude and positivity and see your energy increase. If this strategy is challenging you before you have even begun, you may benefit from extra support in this area. If so, my suggestion is to begin a gratitude journal, but don’t just save this for night time. Get into the habit of consciously acknowledging all the beautiful elements of your child, and their behaviour, to ensure you are controlling your focus. Have you ever had the experience of buying a new car, and then seeing the car everywhere? Or perhaps when you were pregnant, you then noticed pregnant women everywhere? There is a reason for this known as your Reticular Activating System. It is impossible for your brain to take in all the information coming at you in each moment, therefore it searches for known objects or thoughts. Condition your brain to search for the good, and in time, your unconscious self will tilt toward ‘catching the good’ as opposed to focusing on the negative.
4. BE AWARE OF YOUR COMMUNICATION – like value elicitation, this is a layered topic which could take a whole day’s training to explore, so I will just touch on elements here. I’m sure they will be enough to start you on the right track, and are possibly only reminders of information you already know:
- be clear with your instructions, and support your expectations with visual cues. This is particularly beneficial for routine tasks such as brushing teeth or putting dishes on the sink, depending on the age of your child. Visual cues reduce the amount of verbal repetition from you, while supporting your child’s sense of independence. Double bonus!
- is your body language or facial expression conveying different messages to your words? Remember, words only account for 7% of the message we are communicating.
- children can feel your energy! Own it, and shift it as necessary. Use music, fresh air, candles, 10 star jumps, or whatever moves you to a more resourceful state.
- research the 5 Love Languages and fill your child’s love tank by expressing your love for them in the language they feel it the most. You might think telling your child how clever they are or how much you love them is making them feel loved, when in actual fact, they feel love through acts of service (you making their bed for instance), or quality time.
I will sign off with a Gretchen Rubin quote that sums up parenting perfectly: “The days are long, but the years are short”. Be gentle with yourself and keep going. Get clear on your intention, pick your battles, control your focus and be conscious of your communication. Your role as a mother is so necessary and I am certain you are doing it wonderfully!
Enjoy,
Catherine